This morning, Kaitlyn and I rose really early for a Saturday… 6:30 am and my first impulse was to go walking. As we brushed our teeth and smiled at one another in the mirror, I said in my garbled toothbrush-and-toothpaste-in-mouth language, “I’m going walking. Wanna go with me?” She nodded and grinned big. We set out on a fast-paced trot through our neighborhood – up hill and down, through fields, on roads, on sidewalks, balancing on curbs. We talked and we laughed. It was an AMAZING way to start our day.
When we got home, I plopped myself in the living room to stretch. My father came out and sat on the couch and said, “How are you? How are things going?” I shared with him all the miraculous things I’ve experienced this week, the gentle transformations I’ve taken myself through, the HUGE things I’ve learned about myself and the perfectly magical opportunities that have shown up for Everyday Joy that Jen and I will be working on this weekend. I shared with him about all the people who are showing up for Everyday Joy and saying, “I am able to do this and I want to be of service to Everyday Joy. How can I help?” I shared with him the visceral sense I have of absolute divine guidance and in support of this endeavor. It was an amazing conversation wherein he offered his insights and asked questions of me that got me to really think about what I was saying. Such as, “I hear you saying ‘hold space’ and I realize I don’t know what that means. What does that mean, actually?” This gave me the opportunity to put into words that which I innately understand but have never been asked to explain, which deepened my understanding of it.
I also shared with him the things that I’ve learned about myself that has been holding me back – holding Jen and I back – from really going big. I’ve used my old beliefs that “I’m not enough” and “I’m fundamentally flawed” and “I cannot succeed” and “I don’t get money” to show myself time and again that I am, indeed, correct. I shared how I’ve learned that when I have learned a new conscious-living skill, it has become a weapon that I’ve used against myself in the most subtle ways – ways that were so subtle even I couldn’t catch myself and it’s only now, in hindsight, that I can see where I was doing it. I shared how my propensity to look at Jen, see what’s she’s doing, see that it is working and then long to be her (rather than myself) and do it her way was causing continual frustration and tension in our relationship, which, eventually led us to destruction a few times.
I also shared that I now recognize how important it is for me to show up as ME. I have innate abilities that Jen does not that, together, creates perfect balance. But that balance is tenuous because the requirement is that *I* stay completely clear at ALL times that *I* AM different than other people AND I do things differently BECAUSE God made me differently to get done what He needs to get done. This week, I came to the understanding of just who I am (I know I’ve said that before AND this IS a process of unwinding and clarification… kinda like peeling an onion, but much less stinky… mostly) and that understanding opened my eyes to the infinite possibilities. It also brought me to the space where I was able to receive the absolute genius of the next phase. I came to a place where I could stand in witness of Jen’s divine brilliance and have her excitedly share with me the infrastructure of our seminar we plan to premier in May. I could watch it all unfold before my eyes, standing there breathless with awe and realize that she had been waiting for me to stand with her in that space. Prior to that very moment, I would have been unable to honor her and would have dropped into whining… but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why wasn’t it ME that thought it up? Why does it get to be Jen? Why does Jen get to be the one? Whyyyyyyyyyy?
Very unattractive!
At any rate, I’ve learned a lot about myself since Ignite Your Spark and I’ve had so many people show up who want to personally support me and, at times, I’ve just sat back and sighed, smiled up to the heavens and said, “WOW! Thank you!” I shared all that with my dad and then, afterward I went to the kitchen to make breakfast for Kait and me. As I prepared it, I glanced at what she had been working on while I was talking with dad. She had been creating a beautiful piece of artwork with the word “Pearl” in it. I asked her about it and she said, “Come here, I want to play something for you.”
This is the song she played for me: (this link will take you to the video that I cannot embed) Pearl by Katy Perry
The song started…
She is a pyramid
But with him she’s just a grain of sand
This love’s too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be laid in
I said, “I don’t like this song. It’s sad.”
“Yeah…” she said.
The lyrics went on…
She was a hurricane-cane-cane-cane
But now she’s just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with…
I felt more agitated. “WHY do you like this song, sweetie? It’s horribly sad!”
“I like it for the ending, Momma.” I decided to keep listening. I could feel the sensations I’ve come to understand as being the sign that breakthrough is near enough to touch…
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark
Oh, she used to be a pearl…Ohh
Yeah, she used to rule the world…Ohh
Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
‘Cause she used to be a pearl
The pain was building to an insurmountable level and I felt it in every inch of my body as the tears crashed out of me, “This is my life, Kait. This song is… me!”
Her voice was soft and loving, “I know, Momma. I know…”
I collapsed into tears and she rushed to hold me close as I sobbed and listened to the words washing over me, raging through me, swirling around me. She held me tight and I sobbed as the experience went on and on, the song filling my head and pushing out the last vestiges of who I once was. She cried as she held me, her tears falling into my hair and onto my cheeks from where she stood above me. I sobbed… big, deep, heaving sobs into her belly and pulled up all the hurt of the last 20 years, releasing it in tears, snot and big, gulping gasps for air between the sobs.
She was unstoppable
Moved fast just like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they’d never ever met
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark
Oh, she used to be a pearl…Ohh
Yeah, she used to rule the world…Ohh
Can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
‘Cause she used to be a –
Do you know that there’s a way out,
there’s a way out
there’s a way out
there’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down,
be held down
be held down
be held down
‘Cause I used to be a shell
Yeah, I let him rule my world
my world, ohh, yeah
But I woke up and grew strong
And I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be shell, No
You’re the one that rules your world, ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
that you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable
In a three minute experience, my beautiful daughter brought to me the very tool I needed to complete the release.
I am so blessed and grateful beyond words.
