There are a couple places in my life where I can be fairly certain that, if I need inspiration, I can go there and something about being “there” brings forth the answers. One of the places is the Portal Potty. Don’t know why that is. But, pretty much, any restroom or locker room with showers can do it. Perhaps it’s all the running water?
The other place is behind the wheel of any car. My brain is busy driving the car and paying attention to everything that must be done and everyone else on the road. It’s watching for openings in the traffic and “problems” I must avoid. And, while it’s doing all this, my creative brain flips on and I channel all sorts of things. While driving, I have written entire chapters in my head, planned classes, and received answers to questions that have been plaguing my heart for days. I hear messages and guidance for myself, receive inspiration for others, and come up with some pretty cool ideas all while behind the steering wheel.
This morning, as I drove home after dropping off my daughter at school, I was listening to music and paying attention to the road. I felt my creative brain kick on and that space open up where I channel in information. After all these years, I’ve come to know the indications of when it lights up and I pay attention so I can drink it all in.
In this space, recent conversations began replaying…
Angie: “I love him so much, but I just don’t have those sparkly, sexual feelings about him anymore. The sexual spark is gone.”
Friend: “Ah crap! Just give it 20 minutes after he’s home, he’ll crank up the heat, you’ll be all googley-eyed and that sexual spark will be there again.”
Angie: “I love you so much. I may even be in love with you again. But I don’t feel any connection to you anymore. Like, when you hug me, I don’t feel that sparkly, tickling feeling I used to feel.”
Him: “Ah, sweetie, you just wait! I’ve purposely kept that sexual energy turned off between us. But, when I get home, I’m going to put my arms around you and you WILL know that the sexual connection IS still there. I guarantee it.”
Angie: “I just don’t think I’m meant to be with him…”
Friend: “I bet that as soon as he is home and he kisses you, you will definitely change your mind.”
I was curious about why these particular snippets of conversations popped in my head at that moment. Having just started the mending of my broken heart and coming out of The Nothing, it felt weird to be reminded of these conversations. So, I listened. It’s the “weird” things that come through that are usually the most important for me.
What I heard/saw was that the most recent experience of “falling in love” for me was going against everything I knew to be true for me. On so many levels.
First, I have been shown in meditation that my sacred agreement with “him” is complete. Yet, I still wanted to have a “happily ever after.” Somehow, that “happily ever after” ending, in my mind, would have made all the pain worth it… somehow.
Secondly, for several years now, I have seen energy coming toward me in dreams, in my personal work, in guided imagery, in meditation. This energy is regal and strong and, although I have an ancient familiarity with this energy, it has not been in my life in this lifetime. This is a new co-creative, partnering energy for me. And key point on this one is that it is NEW energy for me to partner with.
Thirdly – and pay attention because this is the one that I was meant to catch today – the snippets of the conversations were proof to me how much of this relationship was outside of me. I knew that I loved him. I knew that the chemistry was gone. Everyone else kept telling me, though, that HE had the power to change that. He was telling me that he would turn on the charm and I would be sexually attracted to him again. Anybody who talked about it with me for any length of time would tell me that he had the power to change what I knew about myself inside. They all said that when he came home to me, I would crawl into bed with him and we would pick up right where we left off – which freaked me right out because where we left off wasn’t too pleasant and I knew I didn’t want that again.
It is possible that I may have felt sexually charged around him, eventually. It would make sense since we have had such a strong connection over many lifetimes. He is my soft place to land because I know him. In and out and through and through, we know one another so there isn’t a lot of mystery left. That could make it be so that I would surge headlong into a relationship with him.
Thing is, though, yesterday I mailed off a letter that will close all of that. Forever. I disconnected the final thread holding me to him. And… so… why is this showing up today?
It’s showing up today because I made a choice. FOR ME. I stopped waiting for anyone else to decide. I stopped waiting for him. I stopped waiting for the powers that be. I even stopped waiting for God to tell me what to do. I sat down with myself and asked, “Is this really what I want???!”
No. The answer is no.
He is not what I really want. I love him, yes. But I know in my heart that he is not my match. He is my equal, but he has never been my match. I’ve known that from the start. But, oh! I wanted to love him into being my match. Yes… I wanted my love to change him – to form him to my will. And, in a way it has. But, still, at the core of who I am, I know that he and I are complete.
So… I made a choice. I said, “No more. Enough.”
The realization this morning reminded me that I have all the answers within me for what is true for me. No matter what anyone else feels, wants, sees, or “knows” to be true for me, it isn’t. And, in true love, I may be attracted to someone sexually, but it has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with me. That was the true issue I was being shown this morning – that I had abdicated my throne and had given my power over to everyone else.
photo credit: Ben McLeod via photopin cc
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