“He’s in jail,” his wife told me. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to respond. I felt anger, sadness and fear all at once.
My former husband was in jail this weekend. This time, my daughter and I were not involved with the domestic violence scene. This time the police got him. This time when he called me, asking me to be involved and arrange to bail him out, I said, “I can’t.” I turned off my phone for the rest of the weekend.
I feel sad and scared and angry.
I am appreciating myself for staying out of it this time, even though I am judging myself to have done it in a chicken-shit way. I am appreciating that I knew my limitations and that if I heard “the call” I would don that hero cape and swoop in. I am appreciating that I did something differently this time. I am appreciating my awareness that I want to focus on everyone else’s stories and “problems” right now so I no longer hurt. I am aware that my feelings of alone-ness have heightened to painful levels. I am aware that I feel weak and wobbly and as though I cannot stand. I am aware that I want someone to hold me, comfort me, wipe away these tears and show me that there IS something different for me and… oh my god… there just isn’t anyone there. I feel sad. Sad. Sad…
