A friend recently wrote, “I want someone to help me. I know I need to help myself.”
I have been thinking about that very thing. In ALC, we are learning about being 100% responsible for the life we create and that we must first give to ourselves that which we want to attract. I feel sad, though, when I hear that to be in conscious living, I can’t actually expect someone to help me or even do it with me. I am wondering if there will ever be a time when I will be 100% comfortable being alone, not “having” someone to help me and doing it on my own.
At times I feel empowered by that. At others, like now for instance, I feel sad and like that empty space beside me grows bigger every day. I understand the theory of “if I want to attract a healthy relationship, I need to be healthy and whole on my own first.” Understanding it, though, has not made it any easier. Nor has it reduced the stark loneliness and longing at times for another human being, human contact… someone to touch me and let me feel from the outside that I am alive, that I still know what it feels like to be caressed, to feel that awareness, awakening that can only come from someone outside of me coming into physical contact with me…
Tonight I am restless. I feel my life clock clicking away the moments. Every moment that passes is one more moment I spent with only myself. And while I am grateful for those moments, I am aware of the longing, aloneness, loneliness. Each moment is another moment that I spent without someone there that looks at me and simply knows me and is witness to who I am at my best and my worst and loves me all the same.
Ummmm… so… that is MY story…
