“Do you listen to your body?”
I stared up at my Reiki Master Teacher from my curled-up position on the futon across the room from her during this morning’s session. It was the first question out of her mouth after she closed the door, sealing us in the sacred, safe space for my session.
“I have no idea.”
“Do you trust your body?” She asked, looking at me pointedly and giving me the once-over with her all-seeing vision. Instantly, I felt fear and safety concurrently.
“I have no idea.”
“Have you asked your body what this morning’s violent sickness was about?”
“I blogged about it,” I said weakly.
“That isn’t your body.” She declared. “That is your head. You are letting your head – your ego – run the show. Your body knows the answers. All you have to do is ask and listen.”
I wanted to lay down in that very moment and was grateful for her infinite wisdom when she said, I imagine cluing in on my energy body which was very clearly stating there ain’t much in here right now, I need rest, “Ang, I’m going to have you get on the table. We aren’t going to do any heavy work this morning, no talking, no processing, no thinking, no stories. We are just going to get you on that table and bypass your head. I want to dialogue with your body. Come on. Get up here.”
I slunk toward the table, feeling young and small and scared. The table seemed ten feet tall and I felt unsure that I would be able to sling my leg high enough to land safely atop its surface. I did, though and was grateful when she lovingly placed the warm blanket over me. I was suddenly very, very cold. She lined my abdomen with crystals and talked to me in soothing whispers for, what could have been, years. I remember very little of the words she spoke, which is just as it should be. This dialogue was not meant for my head, but for my body.
And when I opened my eyes, she said reassuringly, “Angie, this is the last piece. This is the physical piece that we have been working toward for all this time. You are there, baby. It is time.”
I shivered at her words: it is time. She had no idea what that meant to me…
(excerpt from my upcoming book Above the Clouds)
I vomited uncontrollably until the police officers arrived ten minutes later to take down my report so that they could press charges and book Marcus if they ever found him. The criminal mind, however, is a brilliant machine. It can almost always outmaneuver the law. And, Marcus’s cunning was on his side that night. He disappeared into the night, without a trace, even calling me once to taunt that he was on his way to Mexico with our child, “You know I can do it because Mariana’s brothers have connections to the Mexican Underground. You will never see us again!”
I was defeated. And terrified. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling with dry sobs wracking me to the bottom of my soul. Six hours later, when he was sure all signs of police were gone, Marcus returned. He stood on the doorstep, holding my beautiful baby angel in his arms as if they had been out shopping for Christmas presents.
She laughed, reached for me and said, “Momma!” And my world exploded around me at the sight of her. I was so exhausted and drained and lonely and alone and lost.
I settled her beside me in the bed, feeling the reassuring warmth of her gentle breath. She sighed once, smiled into my eyes and drifted off into peaceful oblivion. Tears streamed down my face as I stared into the inky darkness of my bedroom. The emotional toll of that night’s events had taken the last of my reserves. In my heart, there was only devastation. So many broken dreams and squandered hopes.
What in the hell am I going to do?!
I sobbed silently; aching for all that was so not right in my marriage. I cried out to God in a choked whisper, “God, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if You are there, or if you are listening. I am so alone. I am so afraid. I am so very lonely.”
I cried until there were no more tears and then my body dry-heaved emotions without moisture. Over and over, I silently cried out to God, never really believing that He would answer my prayer and, if He did, that I would actually hear His answer.
Finally, as the first signs of morning pink graced the eastern horizon, I drifted off to sleep and in the quiet stillness of the room, I heard His voice, “Angie, I know you. I hear you. It is time.”
