Years ago, when I would run into complications like things not going as I expected, clients no-showing or canceling, not making the sales that I thought I would, etc, I would get really peeved and stay stuck in this energy of “I SUCK!” I would expend a lot of energy wondering what I could have done differently, what I had done wrong, and why they didn’t like me – yes, I went to that vein of thinking. I would get really embroiled in the awareness of my suckiness and it bred despair and frustration unlike anything else. The interesting thing was, though, I had no idea that it was actually ME that was making me miserable. I was so focused “out there” that I couldn’t see my part in my agony. It was everyone else’s fault.
I’m addressing this now because I recently had an experience that, back then, would have had me spiraling into a vat of acidic destruction in the blink of my eyes. I had a client dispute a charge and say I had not delivered as I said I would.
At first, I was shocked and hurt beyond anything. My commitment to serving humanity is so strong that this dispute cut me to the very core of who I am. I stared at my computer screen for a long time, trying to understand what I was reading and why. I felt myself winding up for a juicy session of self beat-up and raging at the client, the world in general, and God. I took a deep breath, sat back and began crying.
I was curious about the crying, so I checked in. Why am I crying???
Quietly, from that place deep within, I heard a gentle voice that said, “Your tears are releasing all that you have held bound up within you around such situations. You are crying because you hurt for the YOU you once were and the YOU that you are now. You are crying because someone somewhere is perceiving you as not keeping your word. In their eyes, you have broken your commitment and you feel sad about that.”
The tears fell onto my lap and I breathed deeply. I felt how strongly the sting of this wound hurt and I stared at my computer some more, wondering why? how? what has happened?
Being unable to get the client to respond to my attempts at contact, in the hopes of clearing up a misunderstanding that seemed to have gotten way out of alignment on my client’s end, I chose to pray and ask for help so that I could see through my tears, my hurt, and get done what needed to get done on my end. Sadly, I supplied all the documentation requested as proof of my upholding of the commitment. I felt immensely sad that I had to prove that I had fulfilled my agreement that, somehow, in the proving of it I was jumping to my defense which felt just… yucky. But, I had the documentation showing all that I had done, all of our interactions.
And then, I did all that was left to me to do… I gave it over to God to handle.
Later that evening, as I was looking back over the day, I remembered the overwhelming sadness that had dogged my heels that morning. I remembered the tears. And then… suddenly… I saw the rest of the day unfold in a blink before my eyes. I saw all the creativity I expressed, all the positive interactions with clients and friends of clients, all the laughter I shared, all the promotion of my services that happened simply because I was being in my genius with a friend. There, right before my eyes, I saw that I had actually chosen to keep on going, leaving something behind that was out of my control all while knowing that I had done all I could have prior to the dispute to uphold my agreement and then, after the dispute, to show that I had. It was, truly, out of my hands.
By choosing to let go of the situation that could have caused a catastrophic spiral – because, my friends, when I spiral, I go full out and it ain’t pretty – I chose Love and returned to alignment with my Soul Purpose. I focused on what lit me up, made me shine, brought me Joy. Instinctively, I focused inward and chose to let go.
When faced with any experience in life, there is a choice to be made. You can choose to hold on to that which no longer serves, or you can choose to let go and keep on going.
It is a choice. And, really, it is as simple as that.
photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography via photopin cc
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