I once had many friendships wherein I donated all that I was and all that I had to that relationship, often to receive little in return except for expectations and sometimes, abuse. Over the last couple years, I looked at ALL of my relationships and decided it was time to renegotiate the love.
People with whom I had the discussion and they heard it was all my doing and that was as far as it went, well… those relationships have faded away. If, when I talked to the person and was accountable for MY creation of the abuse and they said they wanted to work on it, we did. Most of the relationships that wanted to be worked on, stayed.
Some of the relationships that have stayed have really different dynamics now and I can see where a new person has stepped in to fill my overgiving, overavailable, overloving shoes. I can see them doing all the things I used to do in that relationship and all the overcompensation I used to do to prove I was enough for that person to love me back.
Interestingly enough, in these relationships where I have been “replaced,” I can see/hear them praising “The New Angie” in ways I never saw/heard them praise me. But, me not seeing/hearing those praises for myself when *I* was The Angie in their world, doesn’t mean it wasn’t happening. Thing is… because *I* had chosen to be overgiving, overavailable, and overloving, the other person in that relationship could never reciprocate. There was no room for them to reciprocate. And, if they did, I couldn’t experience it because I was too focused on what I needed to do/be next so they would love me.
I know this phenomenon exists because I’ve talked with one of The New Angies and she has shared that she feels used, abused, taken advantage of in that friendship I’m witnessing from the outside. And, even though *I* am hearing the common denominator bestie between us say, “OHHHH! I LOVE THE NEW ANGIE FOREVER AND FOREVER! SHE’S THE BEST!” The New Angie, is hearing none of it.
Relationship is about reciprocity. When we CHOOSE accountability in love, we provide space for 100% reciprocity without needing to keep track of the balance. Being accountable provides inherent balance. My willingness to overdo everything at all times to earn my place by that person’s side caused me to come to the relationship completely empty and deficient to begin with in a way that could never be filled until I took myself into my own hands and got myself rebalanced.
It is NEVER about the other person.
Take a breath.
If you’re not happy in your relationships, if you’re feeling used, abused, and taken advantage of… it is YOURS to change. Getting accountable for your own actions, beliefs, and emotions will reveal which relationships remain on the inner rung of your life and those that will fade away.
Breathe.
