About ten years ago, I used to love Christmas. I used to love all the sights, scents, and sounds of Christmas. On the day after Thanksgiving, instead of going shopping, I would spend the entire day – from the crack of dawn until late into the night – turning my home into a Christmas Wonderland. The project was something that touched every room of my home because I collect Santas and had them from all around the world. I began the collection in the late 80’s so there are some really old Santa pieces in my collection of nearly 200 individual Santas. Between all the paraphernalia – lights, ornaments, fabrics, pictures, nativities, the perfect tree, and the Santas – I had spent thousands of dollars over the years in my Christmas collecting.
Now, it’s all contained in about 15 bins and it is all sitting in storage, where it has been since October 2007.
For the first time since then, I am in my own place and I could set up my Christmas. I could create a Christmas Wonderland here.
And… I don’t want to.
Some people who knew me back then, who would come to my house and be in awe of the Christmas extravaganza, think I’m depressed and that is why I am “being a Scrooge.” They think I’ve lost the spirit.
I’ve wondered if that is true… if I’m depressed. When I checked in with myself, the possibility of me being depressed rang false. So what is it?
For me, as I’ve considered traveling to my storage, retrieving all the treasures, setting it all up and rediscovering all the magic that is stored there – stuff that I know I have forgotten I had – and reconnecting with it all… there has been no part of me that has wanted to do it. And, at first, I was bothered about that. I wanted to make myself want to do it.
But I couldn’t.
The sensation I’ve been writing about lately … that “stuck in tar” or “nothing” that is around me … it is holding me still, but very, very aware of everything around me. Observant, if you will.
And what I am seeing is this…
While decorating my house was fun, while it created a scene that was magical and warm and inviting, and while I loved it back then… right now… that is not me.
And I don’t know if it ever will be again.
Somewhere in the last eight years, I have changed and I have changed dramatically. I didn’t see it happening or notice the progression because it happened in tiny bits and pieces here and slight shifts there and letting go of one thing at a time. What I used to live for, I no longer do and what I used to overlook, I now cannot deny.
And, because of that… Christmas Wonderlands are no longer the point… and curiously enough, I don’t really know what is.
