When I chose my focus for 2018 as being Health IS a Verb, I had no idea what journey I was about to embark upon. Then again, all of the most transformational journeys in my life have begun with me saying “yes” to something without any idea of what was to come. At the time, each time I have said “yes” to something magical and huge without knowing the actual size of the impact I was about to live through, I have wholeheartedly said “yes” because that was the answer. My heart sang. My soul soared. My spirit expanded. These are all signs that, no matter how big my fear is at that time – or how oblivious I am to what is about to happen – it is a YES for me. And so I say YES!
I am only 72 days into this experiment and I am beginning to realize that my Health IS a Verb focus is an utter exercise in LOVE. Who knew?! I am focusing on every aspect of my human experience – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, psychic, energetic, karmic, relationships, and communication. Because I am so focused on an active form of health across all realms, I am feeling shifts everywhere. While I would love to say that it has all been glorious, it hasn’t. But then, if you have been following me for a while, you are aware that I have a propensity to choose hard. While I have been unwinding that program for over a decade now, it sometimes still rears its ugly head. And, honestly, I have to quietly admit – I sorta like it. For me, when I experience something to the fullest – every facet of it – I understand it, I get inside the workings of it, and I can break it down to help others understand it. So, I have grown accustomed to things sometimes being difficult and trusting that I will eventually pull through. Because I always do.
Last weekend, I went to see Wrinkle in Time on its opening weekend and found myself mystified, moved, and transformed through that process. While critics have boisterously hated on it, I knew I would love it – if for that reason alone! I generally disagree with most movie critics and knew that, because of its message, the “standard” movie critic was going to hate it. This is a move that is made specifically for those who are waiting for its message. If you’re asleep, ya just ain’t gonna get it. If you’re awake and waiting, you will.
Before I even exited the movie theater, I purchased the soundtrack and have listened to it every day since then. The sound of it is haunting and the lyrics are transformative. Critics of the soundtrack have given it mixed reviews, some of them saying the lyrics are “too general.” Again, if you ain’t awake, this ain’t for you.
As I’ve listened to the songs, I have fallen in love with them for differing reasons. Today, as I showered, I allowed the words of this song, Let Me Live by Kehlani, to really sink into my cells and suddenly, I was weeping:
Let me Live performed by Kehlani
Produced by Ali Payami & NOVA WAV
[Verse 1]
Do I have the sight
To face what I gotta see
Do I have this strength
To fight my insecurities
Can’t hold my breath, think I’m losing control
What’s left of my ambition is fading slow
Do I have the strength
To get where I need to go
Does anybody need me?
Does anybody feel me?
This ain’t what I need
Wish I could be
A little bit braver
A little more sooner
A little more cooler
[Chorus]
There’s something in, something inside of me
Something in, something inside of me
Screaming over
Let me live out loud
Oh-woah
Let me live, let me live
[Verse 2]
Afraid to be strong
And too strong to be afraid
Caught up in the days
Between staying and running away
Can be a good girl and just do what I’ve told
Can’t let this pillow just swallow me, oh
Gotta go, find this train to carry this load
Does anybody need me?
Does anybody feel me?
Try to break free
Wish I could be
A little bit louder
A little more sooner
Can you keep me talkin’?
[Chorus]
There’s something in, something inside of me
Something in, something inside of me
Screaming over
Let me live out loud
Oh-woah
Let me live, let me live
Something in, something inside of me
Something in, something inside of me
Screaming over
Let me live out loud
Oh-woah
Let me live, let me live
[Bridge]
Does anybody need me?
Does anybody feel me?
This ain’t what I need
Wish I could be
A little bit braver
A little more sooner
A little more cooler
[Chorus]
There’s something in, something inside of me
Something in, something inside of me (inside of me)
Screaming over
Let me live out loud (Let me live)
Oh-woah
Let me live, let me live
Something in, something inside of me (something in, something inside)
Something in, something inside of me
Screaming over (oh)
Let me live out loud (Let me live out loud)
Oh-woah
Let me live, let me live
[Outro]
Oh, let me live let me live
The words that caused my tears to fall are in the chorus: LET ME LIVE OUT LOUD.
For nearly 2 decades, now, I have been on a journey of self-discovery and healing all the brokenness within me so that when I work with others, I am clear. I provide a safe, sacred space, and for that to be accomplished, I must be willing to look at and move through the centuries of centuries of garbage buried within my DNA. While I have shared some of my transformation on a very public platform, much of what I have gone through – and still go through – is private, sacred, quiet.
While doing this, I have yearned to move through to the other side where I am fulfilling that vision I have seen for my entire life; the vision where I am moving large numbers of people and healing their hearts and reminding them of who they are simply because I am there, I am speaking, and I am being witness to them. For me to be in that position, I must be willing to be OUT and fully visible, fully verbal.
I haven’t been there, though.
Although, I have longed to be there, I have chosen to do my work, move into my darkness, move through that darkness, heal the wounds I discover, and move through to the light. I have done this time and again in an effort to gain deeper understanding, fluid compassion, and stronger empathy for those who are not yet courageous enough to go into the dark alone, but are ready to do so with someone of Light beside them. I am The Phoenix and that is what I do.
So, today, as I cried in the shower, prior to the next giant proposition to which I would say “YES” without having any idea how or why, I realized that the voice within me that is screaming LET ME LIVE OUT LOUD is no longer able to be silenced. And the questions that were posed to me, which set all of my YES signals afire all at once, causing me to feel like a Christmas tree with twinkling lights in an earthquake, caused my eyes to open, more tears to fall, and this resounding crash of walls falling down around me.
It was stunning, really.
And interestingly enough, I have felt the approach of this moment for two months now. And here it is. Another YES to which I have no idea the “how” or the “why.” All I know is that it is time for me to be The Phoenix out loud, to be that sacred space of transformation out loud, and to live out loud in my love.
And the good news is, I don’t have to know the “how” because the Universe does that for me. And the “why” will show up along the way.
For the time being, The Phoenix is stretching her wings and preparing to launch into a life lived out loud in love.
