I just realized something really profound… this month, I have literally cried more tears in and harder for gratitude, than I have in and for pain or fear. And, after the adventures of the last four weeks, that is saying A LOT. This realization is something that is worth noting for me and recording for the future because this process of gratitude being larger than fear and pain has been life altering for me.
Through this process, I have uncovered the part of me that is willing to stand up and fight without stopping. I have found the part of me that is willing to do WHATEVER it takes to see this through to completion. I have found the part of me that won’t give up, that won’t back down, that cannot be silenced. I have found the part of me that is willing to ask the questions and keep asking the questions and keep asking the questions again until I find the answer I need. I have found the part of me that is willing to do all the stuff I have never wanted to do before in the name of this mission. I have discovered what it feels like to BE the Warrior Queen.
I have found myself tired beyond words and exhausted beyond sleep. And yet, I do not stop. I have found myself weeping with confusion and absolute inability to understand human cruelty. And, yet, I continue to forgive. I have found myself angry and lost in the quagmire of distaste for humans only to bounce out and suddenly see the flawed, scared child within the humans I had been so frustrated with just moments before. I have found myself questioning everything, praying ceaselessly, calling in Guides and Guardians, speaking with them continually, following their guidance. At every turn, at every no, I got back up and tried something different. It has been astounding, really, now that I look back over all of this. I didn’t realize just HOW different I had become until I actually gave myself permission to look and be accountable for the choices I have been making, the different behaviors I have been following, and the absolute nearly bullheaded persistence with which I have moved through this.
In the past, I would have given up long ago. But not this time. I am moving forward and I am willing to explore EVERY avenue available to me in the process.
The people who have stepped up all around me, as a show of absolute support, who have answered every call, who have said yes to every request, who have troubleshooted with me, who have walked beside me every step of the way, who have carried out plans and created new ones when the first seemingly seven-hundred plans failed… they have shown me what it means to be fully alive, fully present for life, and fully IN the Light. They have been the most brilliant examples of what I believe LOVE to be.
In talking with my beloved tonight, he said, “Ya know, Angie, these people have taught me that I have NOTHING to fear. There is ALWAYS a way through if I but ask.”
It is true.
To know THAT… well… THAT is a beautiful blessing, indeed.
