As a visionary, I dream often. When I wake, I take the time to record what I remember and, often times, I willingly share my dreams openly with loved ones – even here in my blog. Sometimes, I can see that the dream is simply my mind sorting out things of the day. Those dreams are jaggedy, bizarre and unreal in continuity. And, although these dream images stick with me, I know them to be what they are and I let them be.
There are other times, though, when my dreams are filled with vivid colors and intense sensory sensations. I can feel, taste, touch, hear, and see the images, interact with them and be there in the dream while consciously cataloguing the images and messages. At times, I am even aware of my ability to split myself so that my conscious brain can begin to record and analyze what my subconscious is experiencing. These dreams follow a fluid, chronological timeline and unfold as though a continuous stream of movies. The images flow elegantly from one scene to the next, making it incredibly easy to follow the storyline and to understand the theme. I spend plenty of time in these dreams, often returning to the “movie” time and again to see it from different angles, experience it in new ways. And these dreams always have messages buried within them.
I awoke early this morning on the edge of one such dream, wanting so deeply to stay nestled in its light, but knowing I could not and that there was a message for me to uncover. It was a profound experience that left me feeling vulnerable and full of longing. As I mentioned, I share my dreams, but this one… this one is different. It comes from the deepest inner recesses of my tender heart and begs to be held sacred, while revealing the parts that apply to my lesson.
It took place in a room that was built to express luxury. The feeling of this room reminded me a lot of the energy I experienced while co-facilitating the healing retreat at The Montage a few weeks ago…
I walked the full length of the room, admiring the beauty of the space and looking at how the candlelight reflected eternally in the mirrors. Three mirrors – tall, counter-to-ceiling mirrors – faced off directly across from three other matching mirrors. It created a tunnel of warm light and perfectly reflected images. The room was big enough, it had three doors…
I turned to close the last door and he entered thru the middle door, purposefully seeking me out. I gasped silently, inside, when I saw him. It has been so long (in real life) since I have seen him him that I felt a physical pang of missing him so strong that tears instantly burned my eyes. He strode toward me purposely, picked me up and plopped me high atop the counter in the tunnel of reflections.
“I have missed you,” he said, holding me close and breathing me in.
“And I, you,” I said, my voice muffled against his chest.
I breathed in the feeling of him. He had changed over the years since he had last embraced me. His body was different. He smelled different. He looked different. He was grown up. He was solid. He was strong. He was determined. He was wearing his hair different. He had transformed into a lean warrior…
“Where have you been? Why did you go away? I’ve missed you so much.”
“I… I…” caught off guard by the onslaught of emotions, I couldn’t speak clearly…
As happens with us frequently, he read my mind. He continued to hold my gaze, not allowing me to disappear in front of him and he said, “Why do you not let me in? Why do you not let me know you? Why do you hide from me? Why do you not share all of you with me?”
I’ve thought about those questions all morning because it is in the answers to those questions wherein lies the message of this vision. My body is still vibrating with the emotions that coursed through me as I sat there, amongst the golden light of a million reflected candles and I ponder the answers to those questions.
The truth of the matter is, I didn’t allow him in because I was afraid he wouldn’t like what was there when he arrived. I didn’t trust myself enough to be completely open, honest and vulnerable with him. I wanted to withhold the real me – the me I was just barely coming to understand myself – from him as punishment for not wanting me. I couldn’t see how to be in the intensely connected relationship with him without it being sexually consummated. I didn’t understand how he and I could share such a protective energy, an ancient intimacy and have it be so platonic in this lifetime.
This particular relationship has been with me for lifetimes and has had such a profound impact on my lifetime now, but has frequently left me feeling confused and disoriented because of some of the things I experienced within it. My magic awoke while in this relationship and he helped me understand the metaphysical world by simply allowing me to be who I was – however much of me I was willing to reveal to him. He led me through experiences, situations, and crowds of people that I had never known until I found him that shining day in the park.
And, through it all, I longed to be real with him, but wouldn’t let myself. The practice of “disappearing in front of him” was a very real thing I did and he called me on it all the time. We would be together, talking and he’d direct the conversation toward me, trying to find the way in. I would willingly deflect his inquiries and he would jump on it, sometimes becoming angry with my evasiveness.
Amidst the reflection of candlelight and me and him, I felt myself battling with the familiar choices that have plagued me every time I’ve been with him. Now, I can feel the veil between lifetimes grow transparent and I can see us on the battlefield… in the woods… walking across deserts… riding horses side by side… holding hands… laughing… loving. There are new images now… being in a moving vehicle that I have no way to describe due to its incredible unfamiliarity… bowing our heads together forehead to forehead, whispering quietly…
There is so much in this relationship – has always been. Interestingly enough, the experience of him is encapsulated in medieval-esque sensations and in a song that just now came on my pandora station… Way Home by Tina Malia…
I have learned so much about love by knowing this man in this lifetime. He has inspired me to be brave and try new things. He brings out in me the true knowing of who I am and who I have been and who I am meant to be.
And, through all that, I have held myself away from him. Because I have seen what we have been together, I wouldn’t allow myself to experience him any differently. I expected it to look a certain way and he wasn’t willing to go there. So, I stayed closed off to him. We were best friends who vowed – and sealed on a Pinky Swear Promise – to be together always. And, I broke my promise. I abandoned our love.
Within this dream was the reminder that it was my choice to remain closed to him, to not let him in, to hold myself away from him. It reminded me that I chose to be dishonest by willingly denying him the chance to get inside my walls and be there with me. I willingly, knowingly kept myself blocked and guarded because the relationship was not looking like I expected it to be.
The reflections in those mirrors showed us together backwards and forwards through time and it became a flowing movement of time, never stopping in the dream. But in the waking world, in this lifetime, I stopped it. Knowingly.
Out of fear, I closed off to love. I chose to close my heart and I chose not to trust him enough in this lifetime to truly be me with him. I am certain that, through all of the centuries, this is the first time I would not let him in. And I also know that I made that choice as a way of punishing him. And, while it was confusing for him and he felt frustrated too, the one who has been hurt the most is me… by me.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if I will willingly bring my path to cross with his again. Or if Destiny will bring us together once more. I don’t know.
But I do know this… I am scared. I am scared to come out from behind these walls. And I am scared to stay behind them. So I stand at the opening… one foot in, one foot out… and I am feeling, deciding which direction I am going to take my faith. And… as I look at myself standing there in that space right now, I see a shimmering light of Hope and I realize that I’m closer to emerging into the open than I previously thought.
Thank you Dream Messengers. That is good to know.
(endnote… in the line above, “So I stand at the opening… one foot in, one foot out… and I am feeling, deciding which direction I am going to take my faith…” I do not remember writing the word “faith.” I was reading through this post prior to publishing it and came to that line, stopped and felt confused. I don’t even know what I was trying to say, but as it is written now, I realize that whichever step I take – especially if the step is to move out from behind the walls – it will take faith. Another Trust Walk seems to be approaching. I feel ready.)
Lyrics for Way Home by Tina Malia
Climb any mountain
Cross every sea
‘Til you find your way home to me
Climb any mountain
Cross every sea
‘Til you find your way home to me
Our faith will be a lantern
I hold in my hands
To guide your way across these desert lands
Our faith will be a lantern
I hold in my hands
To guide your way across these desert lands
So climb any mountain
Cross every sea
‘Til you find your way home to me
Climb any mountain
Cross every sea
‘Til you find your way home to me
I pray for love to guide you
On the road you walk upon
I pray for love to lift you up
To the place where you belong
And I pray
I pray for you to know
As long as I am in this world
You will never walk alone
Climb any mountain
Cross every sea
‘Til you find your way home to me
Climb any mountain
Cross every sea
‘Til you find your way home to me
I see you now before me
Lighting the trees
I see you now before me and I believe
I see you now before me
Dancing like a light in the trees
I see you now before me
And I believe
