If one were to take a look at the directory for Progression Into Beauty, I imagine they would think Ah, come on! Is she for real??! I know that is what I think about myself, sometimes, when I look backwards on my life. Especially because this process from fat to beauty has been underway in my life for over four years now without much visible change. I’ve changed a lot on the inside. Shifted a lot of my belief systems. Reprogrammed destructive programs. Fallen madly in love with myself. And… still… I have a lot of excessive weight on my body. That is not shifting. That tells me there is something even deeper that needs to be looked at. It also tells me that this is going to be something, like developing gratitude for what is right now and falling in love with myself, that is going to take daily focus. And it’s going to take daily focus for longer than… well… a day.
I recently joined forces with the amazing Becky Sampson and am participating in her 30 Days to Life and I feel hopeful. One of the tools she is having us use is writing. Wooohoooo! Something I actually know and love and am passionate about! I’ve chosen to go, once again, public with this endeavor. I do my most powerful self-transformational processes through writing on this blog and, you may have noted, I’ve been absent for a long time – and even longer from posting in Progression Into Beauty because I’ve been in hiding, I think. I didn’t realize I was hiding until I looked at how long it has been since I’ve actually written a full-on blog post here. This hiding is subtle for me. It shows up like: oh… I don’t have anything good to write about today. I’ll write tomorrow. Day after day after day. And then… months have passed and I’ve written nothing.
*sigh*
Time to stop that. Right. Now.
So, Becky asked me to describe in detail these four areas of my life: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Financial. I’m going to add Spiritual into that…
Physical: I am overweight. Currently 196 pounds, which even *I* cannot wrap my head around that number and I’m living it. I find myself easily tired and feeling FAR from anything even looking like “sexy.” I have surprised myself as of late with the impulse to walk/run the track and bleachers at a local high school. I’ve found it even more surprising (AND exciting!) that I’ve actually enjoyed it! I’m not on medications to support my adrenals and thyroid that were struggling two years ago when I was working with Dr. Cameron. It isn’t, though, because I am 100% better. It’s because there is no money for such “luxuries.” (I have a soap box tendency on this particular topic but I’m going to refrain. Today.) My life has narrowed drastically to a very solitary existence. I live with my father and his wife in their very small house with my daughter and I crammed into a tiny bedroom. My belongings are stuck in a storage unit which I have to pay for every month.
Mental: My brain is on fire with creative projects underway and ideas for the future. I am alert and excited about all the stuff I’m learning in school right now. I’m loving that I feel quick-witted and mentally sharp. I’ve noticed that I’m not thinking about myself very much anymore, but that is not exactly a good thing. I no longer assault myself with a barrage of negative thoughts. However, I am not thinking nice thoughts about myself either. I’m just not thinking about myself. I’ve stopped practicing the practice of conscious, affirming and loving thoughts.
Emotional: I am sad. Underneath it all, I am sad. I feel lonely. I miss some very key people in my life, who have left for one reason or another. As I mentioned in the physical category, my life is solitary and, for me, that is painful. I am a social creature who loves being in relationship with others. However, I have isolated and gone within to avoid the pain of the awareness that “they” have left me. I experience bursts of joy and happiness. I am in love with me. And under all that, there is the inexplicable sadness.
Financial:Ugh… do I really need to talk about this category??? Well… crap! My financial world sucks right now and if I were to be honest – and why the hell would I not be honest – it has sucked for a very long time. I once heard it said that you cannot teach what you do not experience. Well… I guess that would explain why I am not teaching financial security and abundance right now, wouldn’t it. I have been without a steady, paying job for almost two years now. My savings is empty. I had to claim bankruptcy last year. My car was repo’d in May because I could no longer figure out how to pay the payment on the meager funds I’m receiving from my education grant. I do not know the meaning of “income” any more. Every resume’ I’ve sent out has led nowhere. I feel very little and insignificant in this category.
Spiritual:This is one category that seems strong in my life. I do feel as though I am working co-creatively with my Creator. Thus, all the above categories seem inconsequential at times because I just give it up to my Divine and trust that whatever is happening IS truly perfect. This, in and of itself, can be detrimental because then I stop “doing” and only focus on “giving it over.” For me, the lesson of this life has been, and may always be, finding the balance between all of my realms.
She has also asked me to answer the following, tough questions: What are the top 3 things in your life that you feel are holding you back and why? What has happened that has caused you to give them power over you? Was it a moment in time or accumulative of different experiences? What would your life look like without those blocks?
I don’t even know where to begin on this one. It feels like there is so much blocking me – most of which is my own creation of damnation. As I went through the articles in this Progression Into Beauty directory to update it for this next endeavor, I read through some of them and felt the waves of sadness and longing. I long for myself. I don’t know where I went. I don’t know where all the parts of me are. I just know I feel as though I am scattered hither and yon and that some of me has, even, seemingly evaporated.
I am blocking myself at every turn. My brain, at times, throws up arguments for the mere sake of arguing with myself. I fear that I can’t do it. I fear that I can. I fear that I’ll succeed. I fear that I’ll fail. I use the lack of money as an excuse for not being healthy. I say that I can’t afford to treat myself well. I say that dad buys the food so I must eat what is here. I say that I don’t have money to pay for the medication I need to support my body. I say that I cannot pay for the medical food plan I was on and that my body responded favorably to. Money. Money. Fucking money. It’s not coming in and it is the excuse for every bloody thing that is “wrong” in my life.
There aren’t THREE things holding me back, there is one real thing and one big excuse. The real thing: Me. The big excuse: Money.
I gave away my power to money, or the lack thereof, because it has been an elusive and confusing commodity for my entire life. One of the persistent programs that I have running sounds like, “I don’t get money.” It meant that I didn’t understand money but it manifested as, literally, not receiving money. I have all sorts of “reasons” for why this program is here. I have all kinds of generational evidence about money and lack. I can spout them all off to you, but it doesn’t change things for me. It is what was. It is what is. And, I’m tired of it.
Because money, to me, is elusive and intangible, I have no idea how to reclaim my power. Perhaps that is why I feel scattered and evaporated. I’ve linked my power to something I believe is intangible. I don’t know. All I know is… fuck… I’m sad.
And I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like if I were gathered in one place and had all my power within me instead of linked to money that feels like it is always floating above, beyond and away from me. I can’t imagine it because I can’t remember a time when it was any different. And imagining a different life feels impossible and, somehow, defeating to me because it isn’t what is.
And that last sentence scares the hell out of me.
Because… if I can’t imagine a different life, then how am I going to create it???
Ummmmm… this next 30 days may be pretty painful.
*sigh*
