For the majority of my life, I have really been invested in what YOU think about me and making sure that you liked me. I would observe you observing me and make up stories – which were often very scary tales – about what you were thinking about me and how I could make you think better of me. I would experience our interactions and then go about turning myself into a contortionist to be the person I thought you wanted me to be, most frequently without any input from you.
At times this still shows up in the form of me eating foods that are not loving, healthy choices because you lovingly made that food for me and I don’t want to reject your love and, therefore, risk the chance of you rejecting me. So I put you first to make it okay for you. It shows up in conversations where I don’t speak the truth that I know because you may get mad and go away. In this circumstance, I hold my tongue and don’t share with you information or relate a message that is not mine out of fear of rejection or retribution that may or may not ever come. It shows up in me sharing all my information and all the truth with you in the hopes that you will think I’m a valuable source that is worthy of your love and attention.
Eegads… writing this post has my belly all in knots and nauseated… *sad. scared.*
These are just some of my habits in my awareness at this moment. I’m also aware that I have come a long way and, although these behaviors still come up and still rear their belittling heads, I am much more conscious of it and do stop it before I am completely eviscerated.
PS…
I LOVE how the universe shows up to support me!!! So… about an hour after I wrote this, I checked my email. I discovered that my weekly astrological report from Rob Brezsny had arrived. I about fell off my chair as I read it. I will share it with you here and I imagine you will be able to see why I almost fell over…
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): "The most important thing in acting is honesty," said Hollywood actor George Burns. "If you can fake that, you've got it made." The same thing is true about life itself in the coming weeks, Gemini. The more you dispense the raw truth -- even if you have to push yourself to do it -- the more successful you'll be. Being a fount of radical authenticity might feel like a performance at first, but it'll eventually get easier, more natural.
