Many years ago, when I was new to my journey of healing and self-empowerment, when I was just learning who I am and learning to love the real me, I often experienced times of great tenderness within myself. I eventually came to understand that great tenderness as being one of my most beloved gifts because it is through that great tenderness, my true Divine self, that I connect Soul-to-Soul with those who cross my path.
In the beginning of understanding myself, I often judged my tender self very harshly. It echoed in the words of others who would say to me, “You’re just too sensitive, Angie.” Or I would hear feedback like, “You take things too personally.” When I would hear these things, I would question myself, judge myself, revert back to “I’m not enough,” which had been a long-lived practice of mine.
I had frequent experiences where, when I was in my great tenderness and reaching out to serve, that I would be smacked back with energy, words, and sometimes even hands. I was often confused by these reactions because I could feel where I was inside, but something wasn’t in alignment because people were not experiencing me in my great tenderness. Instead, they were experiencing a twisted version of a Hero who was pissing them off.
It took quite some time for me to realize that I was operating from an incredibly wounded space and everything I did or said or offered came through the skwonky space of Victimhood. This energy tainted everything, all of me, even that great tenderness. I could see and feel the great tenderness within me and I came from this space more often than not, but it was deep within me, being “protected” by all my Guards and Warriors who I had developed for that very purpose – to protect my great tenderness.
As I learned discernment and fully claimed my Gifts, I began to see a shift in my relationships. I saw a noticeable difference in how people experience me and I also noticed how differently I felt about the situations that I would have judged as being an attack in the past.
I recently had an experience with an old friend with whom I have done some amazing work. I’ll call this person Kelly and maybe change his gender so his identity remains anonymous. Kelly and I did incredible work together, he being able to guide me through some amazing things that no one else had been able to tap into. I learned how to access my Guides and my Tribe. I learned how to use my vast and powerful imagination for healing. I saw many beautiful things and experienced great magic in our work together.
Years have gone by since we worked together. I have thought of him often, but nothing has pulled us into one another’s paths, until recently.
I was fully in my great tenderness and in a space where I serve humanity. He approached me and I immediately sensed his defense. Once he got off his phone call, my conversation with Kelly was incredibly strained and seemed almost combative from his end. I experienced him as being unwilling to land in the space with me, as though he were balancing himself on a tight wire. I felt curious about his defensiveness and thought it odd that a once good friend would be so prepared to fight with me.
Some of the questions he asked were thinly-veiled insults. I felt my great tenderness rise and open up, which surprised me because in the “olden” days my great tenderness would have hidden, running away with my tail tucked between my legs and my heart immensely wounded. But, this day, I powered up even further. As I did so, he literally backed away from me and his closing remarks were, “I’m a mess. I really need to get back to my spiritual path,” and then he disappeared.
Suddenly, I understood. It had been floating to the surface of my awareness for a few days leading up to this experience and it helped me see clearly all that I had experienced at the entrance of my path so many years ago… when people aren’t doing their own work, when they are not on their Purpose Path, they often feel uncomfortable in the presence of those who are.
I have innately known that my Light can be a discomfort for people around me. And, for a long time, I used that knowledge to keep myself small, to feed the belief that I was not “enough.” By being “too much” I was “not enough.” With the understanding that other people’s experience of me is their business and their reaction to me is also their business, I have finally been able to see how I had been a disservice to myself for all those years by being willing to take 200% responsibility for the situation. If they were mad “at me,” it most assuredly had to be “my fault.” I had been unwilling to allow them to have their experience and let it be just that.
With Kelly’s words, “I’m a mess. I really need to get back to my spiritual path,” I found clarity. He was angry at himself, not me. He was questioning himself, not me. He was fighting with himself, not me. I had the honor of being there to hold space for his answers to come through.
Such a profound shift of awareness for me. I feel vast gratitude in the realization that my Gifts are Divine Gifts, no matter how the other person responds.
photo credit: Maja_Larsson via photopin cc
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