The awareness of The Nothing grows stronger by the day, as does the awareness within The Nothing. I’ve come to really appreciate this space, which is totally new for me. I have also come to understand that it is of my own making and it’s actually built on a foundation of utter love.
These tidbits of knowing have really caught me off guard. This place, before, was a scary place – full of battle and struggle. Being here, now, is gentle and awe-inspiring. Surrendering to the process of being within this space has shifted my experience of it. I didn’t know this was possible because The Nothing has always been a dark and terrifying place. How could it ever be anything different than what it always has been?
Shift perspectives.
Last night, my dreams were filled with the presence of friends and loved ones who have died. All of the people I have loved came to me throughout the night, one by one, and showed me something, taught me something, reminded me of something. In that space, I saw myself asking myself the question I posted to my Facebook wall yesterday:
You have been granted the privilege of having ONE WISH come true. What is yours?
The responses were beautiful, each one bringing tears to my eyes. But, I wouldn’t allow myself to answer the question. I felt curious about that and checked in to see what I would discover.
In The Nothing, there are no distractions from myself. It’s just me and the space that I am in and vast, open, nothing. Because of this, things get really clear and that was probably why, in the past, I fought with The Nothing. I didn’t really want to see or feel what was in here with me.
Something happened every time I asked myself that question: What is my one wish?
It looked and sounded like this:
Angie: What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: To have a place to live that I call my own.
Angie’s Spiritual Override Editor: *in a very proper, stern, superior, “enlightened” voice*: You already have a home. You should just be grateful for what you have been given and stop asking for more. Where is your gratitude??!
*sigh*
Angie: What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: To be part of an intimate, loving relationship with someone who adores and cherishes me as much as I do them.
Angie’s Spiritual Override Editor: Love begins with YOU, Angie. Just start there. You need to love yourself more. That’s what you need to do.
*sigh*
Angie: What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: To bring in money regularly and consistently.
Angie’s Spiritual Override Editor: Well! That is just prideful! Knock that off!
*sigh*
Angie: What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: To have everyone in the world be loving to one another.
Angie’s Spiritual Override Editor: Again, Angie. How many times must I remind you? You MUST love yourself first. That is all that is important. You’re wasting your wishes on everyone else because you can’t do anything about or for anyone else.
*sigh*
Angie: What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: To have someone to hold me.
Angie’s Spiritual Override Editor: Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Why are you focusing on yourself? You should be directing your energy toward the world.
*sigh. sigh. sigh.*
Angie: What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: …
Angie: Hello? What is my one wish?
Angie’s heart: …
Angie: HELLO! The one wish! What is it?
Angie’s heart: …
No matter how I asked the question or answered, my heart’s truest longings (which have been there for a very, very long time) were smacked down. My heart got squashed as soon as it released the wish. And it was squashed by no one other than ME! And, eventually my heart got tired of the game and just shut up. My heart lost hope in the game.
Uh oh…
Spiritual override, rising above, making everything out to be rosy is one of the most self-destructive patterns a human can practice. Mostly because it is your own voice that is doing the smacking down.
I am here in The Nothing because I have overridden my longing for years – possibly lifetimes! I’m really good at appreciating what is and living with what I have created. I have become comfortable in my body, my loneliness, the petite guest room at my father’s house, the hand-me-down car, the empty bank account. I have allowed myself to spiritually override my divine right to be abundant on all levels because my mean ole Spiritual Override Ego voice is so loud and commanding.
And I created that.
Thing is… I am feeling unsure right now about how to shift it.
So… I’ll be with The Nothing and continue to listen and learn.
At least I know, now, a bit about what is going on.
……………………………………………………………….
I always welcome your thoughts, questions, and comments.
Feel free to jot down what you’re thinking in the comment box below.
