WOW! One year ago today, I was beginning a HUGE transformation that was fraught with grief.
It is amazing to look back over the last 365 days and to see how far I went into that darkness and for how long, to see all that I let go of in the darkness, and to see all that I clarified. It is astounding to realize all I had let go of during the decade leading up to a year ago today. And I’m grateful for a year ago today because that is when I chose to reclaim and rebuild that which was important to me that I had given up in the process of that decade.
It is also a wee bit breathtaking to revisit the memories of a year ago today and realize that, while that mind-numbing pain is no longer numbing my mind, it is still there, deep in the recesses of my cells. Every once in a while, that pain emerges with sudden, excruciating bursts of brokenhearted memories and I feel sad and angry all over again.
There is a large part of me that is *still* unwilling to forgive and I know that this unwillingness is hurting only me. And, as I look at that, I realize that the part of me that is still holding on, unwilling to let go, is the part of me that doesn’t understand – still – what happened. It was so… so extraordinarily bizarre and the experience so… *not* what I could have imagined and the subsequent connections thereafter so… equally alien-like. I haven’t been able to make sense of it. Any of it.
And so, today, a year later, I ask the Universe… show me the understanding so I can forgive or show me how to forgive without the possibility of there ever being any understanding. Guide me to clarity so I can forgive someone whom I loved with all of my heart and who, in the end, showed me the darkest of the dark – a darkness that surpassed even my walk through Hell with my former husband – or show me how to forgive without that clarity. Show me how, please, because I cannot figure out HOW to open my hands and heart to let this go and set myself free.
Show me who I am *now* so I can know ME and so I can see that that experience was only that… an experience. It wasn’t who I am. It wasn’t who that person is. It was an experience. For whatever reason, it was an experience by design. And all of it… all of it or how to let it go, I cannot comprehend with my limited, human mind.
So, because my humanness IS limited, I ask the Limitless to show me how to give it over and how to release myself from something and someone I never want to be tied to again…
Breathing.
