Desire and I used to be intimate partners. She used to reside within the depths of my body, surging forth and meandering through my cells, setting me afire. She used to be a part of who I was and I led forth with her. I gave in to her whenever she appeared – and that was often. She generally enticed me to do things that a Good Girl ought not do and I would give in to that burning, go with that moment and come out on the other side wondering when my flaming ticket to hell would arrive on my doorstep.
Somewhere in the last decade, Desire has abandoned me, or I have squelched her. Desire on any level. I feel dry and empty, wondering where my Desire has ran off to and with whom. Is she somewhere having a good time? A good time like the ones from which I chose to cut off myself? Is she somewhere golden and sultry? Somewhere that the answer to yearning is effortless?
When was the last time I stood solidly, firm in who I am and knowing of what I desired and offered myself confidently? When did I last say, “Come and get it” and that command was fulfilled without a moment’s hesitation? Have I ever said that, been that, done that?
Fear swept through my life on wings of acid and sliced through my being. It slashed through the center of me, pruned my essence and left me limbless, a mere stump of who I once was. Fear, brandishing an icy sword, pierced me and oozed into the barren spaces left by Desire as she danced into the silence, away from me – a move of self-preservation. In that moment, I caved in upon myself, holding onto the noxious sludge in the hopes that it would make me whole.
It did not.
It does not.
And I weep with the knowing that I once was vibrant with Desire shooting forth from me timidly and leading me to heights of who I could one day be. I felt the fear of her, standing on the pinnacle and looking into the abyss that would soon be only a crack and knowing, knowing that I was amazing in this Desire. To be safe, though, I collapse inward. I ought to play small and they will love me then.
She is gone.
My desire is gone.
And I fear that she will never come and get me.
Photo Credits:
“Heat” (c) Angie Millgate 2007
“Desire (Day 106- 365 days)” – http://www.flickr.com/photos/itsallaboutmich/509387615/
“Fear” – http://www.flickr.com/photos/ia7mad/1256122287/
“Staring Into the Abyss” – http://www.flickr.com/photos/whatwhat/22181235/
