Once Upon a Time
I cried into the moon-shaped furrow in the pillow beside me
The bed still warm from the heat of you
Although you have been gone for years
I miss the cedar smell of you
And the fuzziness you grew into
Once just a boy
Now a man
And so much more than I imagined you could have ever been
And…
At the same time so much less
I ache with the hollowness in my gut
The place where intuition once resided
The nudge I ignored
And am fighting to return to
Fearing I will never find myself
As my hand claws the emptiness beside me
Seeking to replace the hole within with the whole withinDay in
Day out
I dreamed once that we were happy
That you loved only me
And that the pain in my body
The pain in my face
The pain in my heart
Were all phantoms
And, certainly, not inflicted by the Soul Mate
Whom I had hoped would honor me
Protect me
Cleave unto me and no other
It was me that left you
And left behind the hands that sought to hold
And sometimes to hurt
I know that you see it as me abandoning you
I cry with that knowledge
Wondering if it was me that abandoned you
If, by gaining my soul, I lost it
Burning behind my eyes the grittiness of a lifetime
And particles of dreams shattered
And there is still that furrow
That, once upon a time,
Held you
(c)akm 04/10/08
bed image: http://www.carlschaad.com/blog/heroics/
