A letter to my thirteen year old self…
Dear Angie,
Thank you for choosing life in those moments when you are deciding if you want to stay or if you want to go. I am grateful, forever, for how brave you are and that you did choose to stay.
I invite you to look at the miracle of you, the woman that you are. I know it’s difficult to grasp that concept right now, when you are in the middle of trying to figure out how to be graceful in your developing body. You are, though, an amazing creature! You are beautiful and loving and gentle. Your body is your vehicle to becoming the gift that you are for this world. The next time you look in that full-length mirror on the back of your bedroom door, smile at yourself. Hug yourself. Notice how beautiful your eyes are and your hair. Appreciate those curves and strong legs. Turn sideways and take note that your belly actually is flat. Release all thoughts of “I’m too fat,” because those thoughts will eventually materialize in saddening ways.
You have a group of friends who are outcasts and, in a short while, you will have an opportunity to make a choice: be mean to these friends in the hopes that the “cool” kids will like you more or stick with these friends who have always stuck beside you. I invite you to stick with the friends. The other choice will leave you lonely and alone and creates irreparable damage in the hearts of your gentle friends.
Next year, when Ben kisses you, enjoy it. Allow yourself to marvel in the new wonder of feeling sensual. Know that you are still a Good Girl and that this boy is someone you can trust. Know that he will not hurt you and there is no need to run away.
Cherish every moment you spend with Tommy. He will be your greatest ally, best friend and first “real” kiss. He is a good man with the courage of a lion and a heart a mile wide. Memorize his laugh; it will be a sound that feels like home. Look often into those chocolate-brown eyes; they see you as you truly are. Hold him close and tell him you love him. Do it often because, all too soon, he will pass away and you will miss him desperately.
Cherish your moments with Grandma Faye. Create more time with her as she will be gone too soon. And Grandpa Vic too soon after her.
When Mom and Dad decide to get divorced, it will feel like your world has ended. I invite you to forgive Dad as soon as you can, rather than carry it on for decades. Even though it will seem like what he chooses to do is completely wrong and goes against all you have been taught, remember that it is his choice and he will have to bear the consequences of that choice. He will go away for awhile and he won’t fight for you children. All this, I share with you because I want you to be ready. I have come to understand it now, but I certainly didn’t back then. The journey of understanding you will go on will be beneficial for your growth. Hold him in your heart with love until you can forgive him.
Your mother will lose herself when he leaves the family. You will not be able to save her. The losing of herself will be integral for her journey. All you will be able to do is to love her, from a distance, and trust that she will come out okay on the other end. Even more than okay. She will be a miracle.
You are an emotional girl, quiet, shy and introspective. As a woman, those attributes will serve you well and become part of your life path. And while it may feel uncomfortable or unpopular now, I promise you it will pay off in the future. Hold on to that knowledge for strength in the moments when you being “different” is all that others can focus on. One day, that difference will be your greatness.
It is perfect that you choose for yourself to stay drug-, alcohol- and smoke-free. It is more than just a health issue. It is a part of who you are becoming. I appreciate that you have a sense of this already and that you are choosing it for yourself, rather than because you have been told to do it.
I know you are curious about the male body and have very little education in that department, never having seen a naked man – even accidentally. The male body is beautiful and exciting and you will first be exposed to it when Tommy invites you to go tanning. Remember, you are safe with him. You are always safe with him.
Listen to your teachers and find the courage to begin to really listen to what you are learning in Church. Be open to your intuition. You will one day be a great lady in the ways of magic. When God asks you to step full in your power, you will leave The Church. That may sound scary now, just know that, when that time comes you will be very ready – and the world will be waiting for you.
Be loving of all who come your way. Each of them brings you beautiful lessons and gifts. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes you may feel sad. Remember, honey, it all will pass and the boy who says that to you one night, “Tomorrow is a new day, baby. Go to sleep because this too shall pass…” that boy will be one of your greatest loves.
I know you are wondering if you will get married. Yes. I know you are curious if you will be a mother. Yes. And you will love both roles to the ends of who you are.
Take risks. Be brave. Stretch often – physically, mentally and emotionally. Make sure you finish that hike with your father. The hike where he keeps saying, “It’s just around the next bend.” The views at the top are indescribable!
There are many incredibly beautiful and wondrous, seemingly miraculous things in store for you. There are also some incredibly difficult and painful experiences as well. Know that you make it through each situation brilliantly and exactly as you need to.
If there is anything I could give you, it would be to learn to love yourself just as you are. Even now, as an adult, that sounds foreign to me. I imagine that if you understand that now, your life will be so much smoother later on.
Know that you are loved and life really does move quickly. Soak in each moment. Hold your chin high. Make eye contact with others. When given the choice to dance or stop, please continue dancing. Always. Therein is your joy. Laugh often. And most importantly, remember to breathe.
I love you.
~Angie
ps… While being a cheerleader seems cool, it’s just really a lot of yelling and stupid Spirit Fingers. You will laugh about that one day.
