The sun rose this morning, kissing the points of the Rocky Mountains and ascending into a sky so blue and cloudless it hurt my eyes to look at the brilliance. I was startled by the stunning day and then, I breathed in deep and realized that this shocking clarity was a most appropriate way for Mother Nature to start my year. Today is Tuesday, January 1, 2008 and a New Year has begun.
I laid there very still, peeking through the small opening in the curtains and soaking in the ambiance. My daughter had not yet roused and she was laying on the far side of the king-sized bed. I listened to her breathing, feeling content and safe and strong and healed and whole and at peace. For a moment, part of me wanted to spend the entire day in the Bed of Clouds. I thought, can I make this moment last forever, can I just lay here forever and not go forward, if I hold really still could everything stay just as it is?
I reminded myself that, although last year is yesterday, today is only another day. The reminding myself of that helped me to realize that, while this day feels significant, it is, simply, just another day. And, truthfully, I no longer am interested in wasting my life and even though I imagined frittering away the day to avoid life, I rose from the bed to greet the day. Now that I am moving, I feel excited and hopeful. It is as though I went to sleep (before midnight, even) last night and awoke to a new me.
Last year, I verbalized a “goal” of sorts that I had forgotten about until this morning when I read JulieAnn’s post. I remembered myself beginning 2007 with the thought of this year I will go deep, I will find the missing parts and I will heal. It was my clear intention to do just that when I joined the community from which I graduated in October. I really had no idea what that would entail and I certainly could have never imagined it would mean contracting a near-fatal illness which would land me in bed for six weeks of alone time to just think.
As I get further and further from the Nile, the memories of the year prior to that are coming back to me. I am grateful for that. And, for a moment here, before I go forward into this day, this year, I am going to spend time in gratitude…
- I am grateful I chose to play full out this last year.
- I am grateful I finally discovered what my anger looks and feels like.
- I am grateful I learned that anger and violence are two different things. I am grateful my body understands the difference. I am grateful I now know that anger is a natural, human right and that violence is one expression of that emotion, although an unhealthy one. I am grateful I am now aware that anger is healthy and that I can actually express it through laughter and dance. I am grateful for my interaction with Tory who taught me “this is anger and this is violence.”
- I am grateful my eyes are now open to this money game I have been unconsciously playing.
- I am grateful I feel in control of that situation now. And that, although things are not quite where I want them to be yet, I’m grateful I can see a way to get them there.
- I am grateful I spent this year unfettered by an intimate relationship.
- I am grateful I can feel myself healing and moving beyond things that have held me still for so long.
- I am grateful for the experience of writing the City Of… series. I am grateful for all that is coming through me on that.
- I am grateful for my gift of writing… so very grateful for that.
- I am grateful for family that was able to help me out in a huge time of need. I am grateful that, although it isn’t where I wanted to end up, I am safe and warm.
- I am grateful for the experience of growing my business. I am grateful for – and astounded by – the Gifts that are opening up in that arena.
- I am grateful my dreams have not yet died.
- I am grateful I chose to go forward – to not die – even when it meant crawling on my belly and pulling myself by my fingernails.
- I am grateful I laughed a lot and learned a lot and listened a lot.
- I am grateful I now know how to stand up for myself and do so now.
- I am grateful I learned my limits, my boundaries and honed my alert system, which I had never had before.
- I am grateful that my time in the Nile taught me that it is perfectly okay, acceptable – and now, for me, expected – to put myself first, to know myself and to be clear on my boundaries. I am grateful I now know that I am entitled to these rights.
- I am grateful I took a stand where my former husband/current boss situation is concerned and clarified what I want from that job. I am grateful I had the balls to state my demands, that he had the balls to listen and that we came to the middle where we both are satisfied.
- I am grateful I have decided to take responsibility for getting my own car repaired instead of running to him for help.
- I am grateful my daughter ended up perfectly fine this summer after she spent four hours in her swim suit strapped to a straight board in the emergency room following her disasterous jump from the 30′ platform in Lava Hot Springs.
- I am grateful my weight stayed the same, at least.
- I am grateful I learned what a Body Shot is and got to play that fun game. 🙂
- I am grateful I experienced my first skinny dipping experience in a group of people I felt safe with and that it was actually some of the best and most grounding moments of the year!
- I am grateful I spent many intimate, quiet moments with my best friend. Although those times dwindeled in quantity, they deepened in quality. I am grateful for that.
- I am grateful I invested in myself, my future and my talents by purchasing my refurbished laptop!
- I am grateful for new friends, old friends and family.
Hmmmm… 2007 was a good year, after all!
And… going forward into 2008, I am stepping forward with one question, one statement and one reminder for myself. The question came through when I wrote my most current Meditation, however, I am adding one word to it since I first wrote it…
Self, what is my divine purpose or my design today?
I live my life fully and experience all aspects of my Self, taking one hundred percent responsibility for who I am, what I do and how I communicate.
Life becomes lively when I participate instead of watch.
Create yourself a beautiful life!
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