“Please assume, Angie, that we are looking out for you and doing whatever it takes to support you.”
This statement was said to me a while back by my acting supervisor at my day job. It had been a particularly awkward and uncomfortable stretch of time following a move from one office building to another. I was feeling unheard and unappreciated because what I kept asking for in the way of the support seemed to be completely ignored. After nearly a month of no response, I exploded.
In a conversation with her, a woman who works in an entirely different state, I yelled that I was tired of not being listened to or supported.
In her quiet, passive way, she reminded me that they were, indeed, doing everything they could to get me up and running but that everyone in the office was experiencing technical difficulties and inability to work; I was not the only one having a hard time.
The difference was, everyone else was able to make changes and take actions that resolved their situations. For me, as a contract employee for the federal government, I am strictly bound to the job description within my contract and any sort of resolution I could undertake on my own behalf is not part of my limiting contract. Nor do I have the power to make any sort of decision that has any sort of power of change for myself there. It is a maddening situation for me, the depth of which I did not fully understand until this move evoked all of my powerlessness there and then shined a bright light on it with nauseating brilliance.
The atmosphere at the new office was literally making me sick – the lighting giving me migraines, the inability to adjust my desk to appropriate ergonomic stature causing stiff neck, back, and shoulders – and I could do nothing to fix that for myself.
I am a person who is designed to make things work effectively, efficiently, profitably. When *I* am the thing that is unable to do that and I also cannot resolve it, it creates a volatile situation and leads to explosion.
So, I exploded.
When I explode, it isn’t pretty. Nor is it gracious. But, explode, I did and then change happened. I wasn’t happy that I had to explode for actual change to happen, but I was happy with the results.
In another situation, unrelated to this, a beloved said to me, “Can you just trust, Angie, that I have your best in my heart and I am actually focused on supporting you and not hurting you?”
The question stopped me in my tracks. It came in the middle of the time of drawn out, nausea-making experience at work and within just days of my acting supervisor’s request that I believe they were, indeed, taking care of me. While the questions were worded differently, both people were requesting the very same thing: that I believe they were looking out for me.
For most of my life, I was committed to experiencing it in the most difficult, painful, abusive ways possible. Therefore, my brain is wired to believe that those I am dealing with are going to hurt me – some on purpose, some unknowingly. I realized that, if I believe that everyone is going to hurt me, they will. I also realized that the safety mechanism within that painful plan was the erroneous belief that if I planned for everyone to hurt me, then I wouldn’t be hurt when they did. Problem with that was, I was experiencing everyone as hurting me AND therefore, I was always hurting! Additionally, because I believed everyone was attacking me, I couldn’t see who really was attacking me, which relationships were actually destructive and unhealthy, and I couldn’t see how I was showing up as a victim everywhere, by unconscious choice!
Humans are magnificent creatures with the ability to create their own reality. It starts in our mind, our thoughts. Our thoughts feed our energy and our emotions. The stories that we build on top of our emotions create our reality, our experience. When we are focused on a crap experience, we inevitably experience crap.
Uncovering my belief that “everyone is out to get me,” acknowledging it, and transmuting it to the more empowering belief of “I am fully supported and looked out for” has created this profound sense of stability and security. It has also allowed me to see where I am actually not supported and protected so I can choose to get clear in those relationships, shift them, or end them.
When we, as Dear Sensitives, choose to be fully conscious about the world we are creating in our minds and to acknowledge that the experience we are having in the external world IS an expression of what we are mentally creating, we become powerfully capable of making huge changes. When we choose to believe in and focus on the best, rather than the crap, we experience the best.
What experience do you want to create and experience?
