Recently, in a particularly heated and painful disagreement with my beloved, I had this epiphany that actually stopped both of us in our tracks. The vision that opened up for me brought us both to a deep awareness of who I am as The Phoenix, who we are as partners, and how we had been ineffectively interacting in those realms.
Because I am designed to find the glitches to bring people and situations to homeostasis, I have enormous staying power. I am able to walk through the darkness of Hell and stand for a very long time in the fire of transformation, all in the name of bringing forth Light, Love, and Healing. This capacity means that I take on a lot of aggression and abuse energy to heal it, transmute it, and return it to Source. Usually, I am fantastic with this ability and can work for hours, even days, on end.
However, when I am doing that sort of work for others while in the midst of needing to do so in my own realm, I get worn out exceedingly fast. In situations like that, I discover that my abilities to remain upright quickly devolve into something that looks more like a snot-faced toddler in the throes of an all-out tantrum on the floor, complete with kicking of feet, pounding of fists, screaming, cursing, and lots and lots of tears. And while I’d like to say all that was figurative speech, more frequently than I care to share, it is an actual occurrence. Not my most shining moments, I admit, but that is what I experience. Even though I am an eternal creature of the Divine, I am having a human experience right now that is frequently clumsy, ungracious, and downright ugly.
I happened to be in the middle of one such time, where I was feeling weak and little and completely incapacitated to do what it is that I do here usually with such ease. For days on end, we had been arguing about something that I no longer remember, but at that time, it was, apparently, of utmost importance. I was feeling unheard, he was feeling unheard, and we were just not connecting. And the more we argued, the larger the chasm between us grew until there was this scary, black abyss between us that neither of us were willing to cross.
We stood on opposite sides of the gulf, arms crossed, feet planted, eyes squinted, and we waited.
In that moment, I collapsed beneath the weight of it all, crumbling into defeat and crying. He doesn’t like it when I cry; it makes him uncomfortable and he wants to fix the pain I am feeling. I know this, so I usually hold my shit together, but that day, I just. couldn’t. not cry.
With my head bowed, shoulders curled inward, tears and snot dripping onto the table in front of me as hiccups of sorrow shook my body, I silently cried out to Source, “Show me what it is I need to see in this moment to Light this darkness between us.”
In a flash, I saw a hedgehog. I have always loved hedgehogs. I think they are some of the cutest creatures on earth and although they are not particularly cuddly, something about their tiny faces hidden within the mass of quills makes them endearing to me.
Curious, I mentally spoke to Source, “What do I need to learn from Hedgehog?”
Suddenly, Hedgehog stood up on her hind legs and began boxing against foes that were only shadowy forms. She fought and she fought, bravely standing strong without tiring. Then, her match showed up; another hedgehog who was majestic and powerful. With him, she would not fight. She couldn’t fight. The other shadows kept coming at her and she kept fighting them, but when her match, King Hedgehog, threw a punch, she half-heartedly blocked it, but would not swing back.
Intrigued, I watched the scene play out. The black shadows dancing and weaving around King Hedgehog, diving for and striking at Lady Hedgehog who kept fighting them with resounding success. But each time the King struck out, she weakened, she diminished, she grew tired.
Then, suddenly, she just stopped all of it and curled up in a ball, her quills standing on end. The shadows all stopped moving, but the King kept swinging and kicking. And as he kicked, Lady Hedgehog rolled backward away from him. She never opened up to reveal her tender underbelly, she just took the punches and the kicks, allowing him to push and push at her until he grew tired and stopped.
When he stopped, the King wore a look of complete befuddlement. He stared at Lady Hedgehog until she chose to unfurl and stand on all four feet, not erect, but no longer rolled in a ball. Lady Hedgehog looked up at him and said, “I cannot fight you. I will not fight you. But neither will I go away. I will protect myself and you can kick and punch and push as long as you want, but when you are done, I will stand back up and be right there, in front of you.”
There are times, my Dear Sensitives, when we do not understand our own power or the reasons for that power. Lady Hedgehog showed me my immense capacity for absorbing the darkness and transmuting it to light. She showed me how I can withstand abuse and that it is okay to protect myself. She also showed me that in specific situations, it is okay to stop fighting and to literally roll with the punches – allowing them to land without absorbing the pain intended within that punch. In some particular situations, it is my duty to remain within the situation while protecting my tender underbelly and allow the storm to rage outside of me without making it my own. And then, when the storm settles, it is my responsibility to return to the upright position, albeit tentative at first, and resume my full capacity of being transformation and transmutation.
Welcoming in the power of Hedgehog to my totem team has been one of the most transformative experiences. Perhaps it is time for you to welcome Hedgehog and all her lessons into your world, too.
