For Sensitives, this dimension – Planet Earth, the Third Dimension and realm of physicality – can be monumentally confusing. It can be painful. It can be something that stops us in our tracks and makes us ask, “What in the hell just happened?” When you compound that experience by becoming a mentor to other Sensitives, like I have, the weirdness just gets… well… weirder sometimes.
It can be confusing where to draw the line between clients and friends. In truth, I am always The Phoenix, so I show up as a space of transformation in all of my relationships. I show up as a willing conduit and I honestly receive as much transformation through these beautiful relationships as I have been told I provide. I show up willingly, fully open, heart bursting with love, and without expectation of compensation because they are my friend.
I recognize that sometimes, for those who are closest to me, that relationship comes at a high cost. I channel the energy of this planet so sometimes that means my existence gets really intense and reflects out to and rebounds against those closest to me. There are times when I withdraw dramatically, seemingly disappearing into nothingness for stretches of time and those closest to me are faced with this randomness. So, being my friend or lover is not a completely easy task.
Still, I do not show up without expectation because I know how difficult it can be to be in my close circle. I show up completely for those I love because I. love. them. Plain and simple, if I bring you into the circle of my wings, you are there until you eject yourself and even if you choose to eject yourself from that space, you remain in my heart with space for you to return often.
Unless someone close to me has deliberately chosen to hurt me by using the tools of healing or my own vulnerabilities against me, I am a forgiving and welcoming space without end. And for those who have chosen to purposely hurt me, I forgive, but close my wings to them. For those people, it takes a large amount of accountability on their part before I will open up my wings and my heart to them ever again and I will only do that so many times before I choose out of their life completely.
At any rate, in my close relationships, I require accountability and reciprocal openness to feedback. Because I am always transforming and stretching and learning and growing, I want to be in relationships that spur that on and with people who are interested in the same. This means that I have very few close relationships. When it comes to friends that I’m connected to, but aren’t necessarily in my closest, intimate circle, I still approach these connections with a heart that is fully open, I am still 100% willing to show up as The Phoenix and be a conduit for Love and Healing. For these people, I choose to be really clear about my approach so they know that I am coming to them as a friend, not as a coach.
Recently, however, I had the strangest exchange with one such friend. I have known this person since we were in high school. I will call this person Kelly and possibly change the gender to protect his/her identity.
Kelly and I had several classes together throughout high school and she was someone whom I always felt a strong connection, even though we never really explored it. When we went to our 25th high school reunion, she and I spent most of the night together, talking and catching up. It was amazing! I felt really connected to her.
Over the years, Kelly has reached out from time to time, usually in moments of deep sadness. I feel such tenderness to know that she can reach out to me when she is feeling sad; there is something about that fact that speaks volumes to the decades-long connection we have had.
Our most recent full connection was over 4 years ago, after a mutual friend – Kelly’s best friend – committed suicide. It was easy to understand why Kelly felt so bereft at that time and I was grateful she responded and talked for a bit when I reached out to her about it, to check on her.
Kelly has always been reticent each time I have asked her if she wanted to talk about something. In the past, I was probably not clear about the fact that I wanted to talk to her as a friend, not as a possible client. Each time I began to ask her questions, she would disappear and that would be that. I would let it go and move on, not thinking about it until she popped up again, years later, always in sadness.
It has been an interesting dynamic over the years and one that I have felt curious about. The connection between she and I is undeniable, but… I don’t know what comes after that but…
Kelly recently reached out to me on Messenger, complimenting me on how long and pretty my hair was and then she asked me how I was. I had just returned from a walk around Liberty Park while chatting with my bestie, so I was euphoric. I responded with something along the lines of, “I’m really happy right now! How are you?”
She replied, “So much depression and sadness.”
While waiting for her reply, I had scrolled up through our old interchanges and discovered that the last time I had reached out to her had been early one morning almost exactly three years ago. I had asked, “How are you?” She had never responded. That was our last connection until she popped up to compliment me about how great my hair looked in my profile picture.
We sent a couple messages back and forth, talking about seeing each other at the reunion and how we experienced each other back in high school. Then I had to take care of some things so I left my phone lying face down on the tabletop.
When I returned a few minutes later, the thread to the left began. It took 20 minutes to get from that butt-call at the top to the closing blue response from me at the bottom and by the end of it, my head was swimming.
When it was all said and done, I walked away from the table with tears in my eyes and a very confused heart. I had done everything in my power to be clear with her, and yet she still heard that I was coming at her with the expectation to have a facilitator-client experience. I was baffled about how I could have been any clearer in my communications with her. I had flat out said, “I’m coming to you as a friend, not a coach,” but somehow she still heard that I was only interested in her as a client.
There are times when being a Sensitive is heartbreaking. Interchanges like this one I shared turn me inside out. Kelly has no idea how profoundly hurt I was by her refusing to see and hear me and to receive the true desire to connect with her as a friend.
And that is my problem. I cannot expect Kelly to receive me in any way other than whatever way she is willing to receive me. Just because I love humans and receive them without any expectations does not mean other humans can see that, nor does it mean that they behave the same way.
At times, I have to remind myself that I did choose to be the Light and Love on this planet and I did choose to be a space where people can feel safe to express whatever their truth is for them. For Kelly, her truth was that she saw me as coming after her to make a buck. She felt safe to bat down my offer of friendship because she clearly saw it as only an offer to make her my client. She felt safe to call me out and say that I was only after her for business. So, in reality, the interchange we had was actually in alignment with the space I provide.
And still, the human part of me was confused and very hurt because someone I thought to be my friend rebuffed my invitation to be a friend. And the saddest part about this is… Kelly is not the first “friend” to have behaved as such toward me. Even though I know I love humans differently than many people and that I connect deeply and instantly and in full trust right from the start, I am still stunned when another human whom I believe is my friend shows me that they only regard me as an acquaintance, that they only view me as someone they can interact with whenever their whim carries them into my space and then they can leave and not give me another thought.
When I was a little girl, that undid me over and over. And, honestly, it still does. It hurts every time.
Share with me how you would have responded to this experience. What would have been your emotional response? What words would you have used? How could I have done this differently?
I don’t know that you can do more than you have. You stated clearly that you didn’t want to make her your client. She is saying she has not changed and maybe a superficial relationship works for her. Or what appears superficial to me. She says she wants to see you but doesn’t have much to say. (As a Gemini, I find that intensely puzzling). Clearly, she does not love like you do or commit to friends like you do.
Thank you for your feedback, Donna. I am continually flummoxed by human behavior and this situation definitely falls in that category.